


i am not a dirty god

by vsoumeur



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hogwarts Mystery
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Kinda, Underage Sex, but you never know, certainly not the focus, feelings are the focus, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 09:34:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18938230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vsoumeur/pseuds/vsoumeur
Summary: "Thank you for taking the time to take a stroll with me,""C' mon Penny, I always have time for you" This would be true if it were at the beginning of the year, you just hope she doesn't—"Doesn't feel like it these days."Her stare gives tell-tales signs of annoyance, but you can't quite pinpoint if it's genuine. Yet again, you don't know how to act after that night.





	i am not a dirty god

**Author's Note:**

> hmmm it happens towards the end of it sixth year, part iii, it's not even that explict but i decided to tag it anyway cause' you never know
> 
> anyway, had a breakdown during the writing of it, so beware of bad writing, bad grammar, cursing and the overall the pretentiousness of it all
> 
> edit¹: attempted to purge the grammar mistakes, bear with me but i think i failed lol, also made some alterations here and there to help the flow

i.  
fifth year

"Psst" Rowan tries to rob you of your deliberations in class while you, for as long as you are concerned, waste away your youth staring at Bin's shivering face. What could ever muster her not to pay attention must be relevant, so you sign at her, letting her know she has your utter attention.

"I'm worried about Penny," This topic swells your chest, the ghost of pain overflowing your senses. You have hardly seen her at all these days.

You miss her. You are worried about her.

Yesterday you threaded the empty grounds, hoping to catch a sign of the bright hair that has captured your attention as of late but to no use.

Inquiries with her click led to nowhere, so-called friends offering concern over what, you aren't sure. Their eyes mirrored fear for the worst.

You pondered, was it a mirror of yours?

Rowan looks at you, with an understanding striking a chord and she knows, she feels you itching for something, yet, you can tell she doesn't understand.

Ingrains of the haunting voice of Beatrice, pleading, pleading "take care of her" echoes through your mind and a tsunami frightens the hold of your eyes once more. Not in class.

Rowan expects an answer, an upbeat attitude from you, anything that won't show how abiding you are to crumble down under a single mention of a Hufflepuff's name. There is still an unanswered question, a question that has plagued her for a while now. Your glass wearing friend was never one keen on the matters of the heart.

Penny was never a subject the both of you talked freely, and before you felt it, it became sore, unreachable.

Only wonder barges on your mind as your best friend harbors this time with a sorrowful gaze.

"I was planning on camping till she popped up in her common room. She has to come by, right? It's time for a talk, right? She has been holding out too much," In the midst of the lecture, all you hear is the stuttering of your heart. You hum towards Rowan as if she was partaking into a conspiracy and you hope the rusting in your voice doesn't give away the fringe dejection that has plagued it.

Penny's sister, Penny and your brother; three of the people whose lives you would exchange with yours, no questions asked.

But your voice, it sounds so weak, and Rowan's eyes almost have a gleam you can't tell if it is a counterpart of yours or—

Rowan, in the end, looks worriedly towards you but lets you go.

(it was.)

* * *

You catch a glimpse of a familiar blonde hair while you go down the moving stairs. You run, run towards the light in hope to catch up to her, not alerting Penny that you are trying to approach. The crowd propels you, but you are insistent.

Success is materialized as you are able to get a hold of her wrist. Suddenly blue eyes are on yours, and there is hope for your silent plea to be heard. With skin so soft, you fight the urge in yourself to indulge and embrace her in the middle of the stairs lest the wail that blazes your throat escapes in a raging fire.

You haven't seen her for days. There was a thought that you could keep your longing in check, but all it took was her perfume. In a second, you are brought to your knees as the familiarity hits you. On a second glance, toward the blue eyes, which you knew shares shadows with your devils, the ones that you let take her sister away from her.

It's because of you she is like this, so it befalls on you to be the one to make it right. What she needs is a friend, one that has all her best interest in her mind, not one that hides how she truly feels about them.

It hurts.

(it's all your fault, how can you stare her with your eyes, how can you keep thinking of her that way?)

The tide in which Penny's grief travels shatters the remains of your wall, the wave your brother played in summer afternoons when everything was pure.

From summers from so long ago. She could always delve into the fissures, navigating them as if she had you all figured out. It drove you insane at first, ever-reaching the most buried roots of your mind, watering them and making a reminder of yourself, of better days.

You have to be sure, to be the lantern to guide her back. You can't lose her, not like this. She has such a bright future.

The both of you are at an impasse, carefully threading around each other's skins, expressions, meanings; to see whose lie cracks first.

You let go of her hand when she starts to speak.

"Up to a chat later? I am late to class," You don't miss the small twitch of her hand, the short breath she took before muttering those words.

A knife steaks in your heart, and Penny is the one grasping it; she must be so tired she has dropped her act, the face of a trickster that comes as second skin forgot.

"You haven't been in class for weeks, and even Snape has noticed Penny," Your rebuttal is anything but merciful. The one who wields the knife is you, to slash her skin alive, all she offers you is a blank look, a gaping wound shared between the both of you.

Her eyes enclose, winkles neighboring the surface, for a moment, and yet she doesn't seem offended. She doesn't seem like anything these days.

You extend a hand as an offer. It almost feels so light for the layers of craving it carries, the weight of your heart. "Come with me," you whisper.

Penny's eyes linger for a while, sizing you up and then, in a split second, an unyielding resolve comes about.

She fully clasps her hands on yours.

You look the other way, attempting to hide the blush that now splatters all over your face.

* * *

The small sound of steps is overwhelming to you, never mind the excited chatter encompassing the surroundings, nevermind Penny trailing behind you, you, too afraid to look back, to give her the tell-tale signs of feelings too old, old enough that speaks for centuries.

Her hand on your burns. You bring her to an empty classroom, carefully closing the door in hope to keep away from unnecessary intrusions. You let go of her hand and then proceed to look at her eyes.

Your hand grows cold, but you find in yourself to not comment on that.

She stands near you, here and there searching and, you, yet do not know for what.

"How have you been?" The words fall easily from your mouth, more than you anticipated.

She stares back, almost like pacing in her mind, and with a detached look, she gives an answer you were dreading,

"Healthy as a horse," Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"I, can we sit?" The distress in your voice in foreign to you. There it is. One of Penny's facade in which she becomes a brilliant liar. You can recognize yes, how her tone is lower than customary, the way her eyebrow overextends just a second longer than usual, a light missing from her eyes.

You approach one of the empty seats of the classroom, hoping she is right behind you. You don't dare to look back. To turn around.

When you sit, she finds herself right beside you, having moved a chair.

"You know," You start. You can't look at her right now, being alone like this, being close like this. It takes much, but you are able to concentrate on the board just ahead.

Your heart is in the wrong place, and you mourn for your friend, she should have someone better. Not the place. Not the time.

You and she aren't even that close.

"Some of Snape's ingredients have gone missing," The tone isn't accusatory, it doesn't need to be. Traces of the truth were scattered all over.

Penny shuffles beside you. You keep staring at the board.

She places a vial on your hands, the glass cold to the touch. The liquid is ever-shifting inside the little bottle.

This gets you to shift your attention, but your gaze still lays steady on the board. She is closer than you foresaw. She is leaning towards you, almost as if—

"Would you drink it with me?" And her voice trembles near your ear. Her face so close you feel the heat emanating from her, her breath, and if you would turn around and greet her.

And at that response, your heart beats faster; she isn't talking about—

"I Brew a Peace Drought. It will help me to come into terms with all of this, back to being the ray of sunshine everyone loves, you know?" As she spoke, she laid out a gaze so like her, one that she doesn't bare as often but is just as obscure. The one that started it all for you.

Vestiges of a laugh bubble it's way out of you, "What the shit?" But your laugh keeps getting stronger, "Are you serious?"

What was Penny suggesting? You can't help but find the concept of resolving everything with a potion yet again to be hilarious, even if concerning.

Your laugh must be contagious because soon after Penny catches up to you as well, "What? Why are you laughing? I'm serious!"

She buries her head on your shoulder,

"I'm serious," She says for a second time so quietly as the laugh dies down.

"So am I," This time, you lay your head on the wall behind you, enabling for her to rest upon you. Her chin is on your shoulder, and you stare ahead praying for the fire on your shoulder to expire.

"I should've known you would laugh at my face. You did so, the last time," She mumbles, and you can feel her breath departing and you never felt so alive.

"I just," You try to reason with her and then, "I can't help but laugh at it, at you, fuck this sounded bad. Listen, you don't need em' Penny. Hell, you are the most fantastic person I know." As you keep going, you try to put one of your hands on her shoulder, to embrace her, trying to coax her into knowing you were there for her, even if it's just for this moment.

She wasn't alone, never were.

The whiplash of her emotions eviscerate you,

"You don't know anything! How will I explain to my mother that I lost Beatrice? That she might die trapped in a horrendous painting? That she won't ever be able to see the sun again?" She slaps your hand out of her shoulder like one slaps a small insect so quickly and lifts her head off you, turning it the other way.

You lose  
the sight of the small girl's face and wonders then, implores for her to turn around. A little voice baits you,

(are you the best person to be doing this?)

You shift focus from your ongoing berating heart and try to be coherent, for her sake, to not sound as you just want to race her out of this room, out of this building, out of this life; from it all and go back, back to where you couldn't have hurt her— you lie as you never loved before, you spout the most nonsense thing because you like her and you don't want to see her like this any longer.

You give her a false hope, a false hope one you are going to do your damn hardest to come through.

You just hope this low flame lightning your heart is enough to save her, even if it's for it means for it to consume it all and all that remain is ashes for you to grieve.

Your heart doesn't even deserve grieving.

"Penny, it's going to be all right, we are going to find the vault just like we always do, and the curse will be lifted again. We know where Beatrice is, and she wouldn't want you to hurt yourself like this" You approach her yet again, but this time with only an attentive hand to grasp hers. As the two hands almost touch there is a feeling of crossing a current, your heart weights you down but your resolve remains unscathed, believing you will get through.

Penny turns around, meeting your gaze, voice fractured, "You don't know what it's like to lose a sister!". Realization spanned her face, too late for what she said, she abashedly covers her mouth with her hand full regret, "Oh, oh no. I'm so sorry I didn't mean—" And she hastily gets up, her movement always as graceful, pacing away from you.

There is a light reflecting out of Penny's cheek. You follow her, embracing your arms around the tiny body to try to reassure that everything was going to be okay, there is no need for her to worry and that you were there.

You don't comment on how it fits, how her body close next to yours feels so natural. You slowly brush your hand around her, caressing and then, slowly leaning in, eyes shut in, asking a silent question; to kiss (one of her damp cheeks).

Dazes cloaked her, but tightened her grip around you, burying her head in your neck, yet.

"Oh, why are you doing this after I said such harmful words about you? I thought Slytherins were ruthless," Penny mutters trying to shroud any remains of uncertainty in her voice.

Slytherins protect those they care the most, the phrase is shouted in the silent room. You don't know how to start expressing how meeting her combusted you in the best ways, and you knew it had to end. You should end it. Before, if, she gets hurt again. This ifs and almosts are too much for you, too much for her. There will be a point, you know, where the search for your brother will lead towards a narrow path, only for you to thread.

Although her positive attitude helped you through so many things, you would be damned not to try to make her see everything was going to be fine. She deserves the world. You would make sure of it. Her anguish does nothing to alleviate the pain you feel.

You take a breath, never thinking you would utter those words so soon to her. Never thinking if they should have left your heart at all,

"You are asking me not to love you? You drive a hard bargain,"

In the end, it was so easy.

Maybe because they just seemed like words. Words that did not flare all you had in yourself.

Your brother once told you about the strength of words, that words win wars, and yet here you are, wishing for them to break you.

The silence doesn't last long, and you can't see her face. You don't want to. You don't want to know if she knows how deep in your love for her you are, you are drowning, what you wou—

"Truly?"

An answer never came so promptly,

"Yes,"

You aren't sure what urges Penny to want to reaffirm what you just said, but you can feel her hands shifting from around your waist to your neck, carefully caressing your hair. Her perfume entrances you, your head feels light. You go back to those days the two of you spent lazily laying around, murmuring words, trading ghost touches around each other. All the times you could have easily leaned in—

"Let's drink,"

Your heart skips a beat. This had disaster written all over it. To sneak into the Gryffindor's dorms to get a few fire-whiskeys sounded like a bad idea. It would just worsen the detention you already have. Maybe you could ask Tonks to help you with this.

(end it, end it)

"Sure, but you are the one with the connections. I don't even know whom to ask for the time,"

"No, no! I'm talking about my potion." A smile crept up on her face. At least she was having fun out of your expanse. "You twat,"

This ticks alarms all over your head, "Penny, I thought—"

"Just hear me out," She whispers so softly, while you are looking at her she places her hand on your chest and mummers with a wondrous mischief smile, "If we share a dose of the drink, all it will do is cause some temporary lightheartedness, is all,"

She looks at you with such expectant eyes, and her face is so close of yours and her hand with a hold of your heart. How fitting.

You disentangle yourselves, grabbing the vial that was left on the floor when Penny crashed down. You open it, and you know she is observing you.

All this attention and you wish it were true.

The liquid burns through your throat. Thoughts are so fuzzy and, and there is a blurriness invading the eyes. You wink several times, trying to adjust but never quite getting it right, as the world around you lead its revolution in your mind.

You see her shadow doing the same thing.

Already feeling the effect, both of you lie down quietly on the floor, pain threads around your head, knocking in but never quite entering, owning the place. Just out of reach, but it is within you. It's almost like all your problems faded away, and you can't find anything wrong.

Oddly, you glance at Penny's hand who now bare gloves. Where did she get those?

"The floor is cold," You remark.

"I like it, gives a new perspective on things,"

The voice that reaches your ear doesn't sound like yours, "I prefer the warmth of fires,"

"You would say that, wouldn't you," so far away, echoes of her voice reverberating in your mind, "After all, you are here,"

"I hated it so much," you mutter, to you, it feels like you are alone in the world, "The cursed ice."

She continues,

"Would you prefer to die by the fire, or by the cold?"

Your mind lets it slip, "By your hands,"

Indignation travels in her voice,

"Wrong answer," how odd, "I thought you liked the warmth,"

"I do," A confession.

"Then?" she insists.

Your gaze travels back to the gloves. You remain silent.

"I suspend my beliefs," You feel obliged to answer, she compels you.

"Well, you should, cause' it's the truth,"

You don't know how much time passes. Everything is spinning.

"Hey?" Penny's voice travels wavering from one side of your head to another; you are confused as you feel her head lying on your shoulder. The gloves are long gone.

"Hm?" You mutter, eyes shut, enjoying her voice.

"You think I am pretty?"

You don't give much thought about the implication of the question. You are unable to, the drink fogging your mind, compelling you to spill out with accuracy the depths of the pleasure that is being around her.

"Yes,"

You think that's all she had to say, so you feel your body relax yet again.

It seems like an eternity when she shifts again, this time she grazes her thumb on your hand, carefully coddling it. You return the sentiment by taking hold of her hand and then, and then being glad for getting to hold it again.

You hear her sigh, but she doesn't say anything else.

You keep staring at the ceiling and swearing on your life that you could see stars on it.

Her grip is your anchor, the hold of your hand, grasping at it as if her life depended on it. Almost as if preparing for a leap of faith.

Her next words blaze through you, your ears burn.

"There were so many times I thought you were going to kiss me. But you never do." She said.

It might have been the potion, but this question doesn't scare you at all. It's easy to let go and accept things you do not yet know. She lays at your side, willing. So you lay beside her, hoping tomorrow she lets you be part of her life still.

With your eyes closed, you give an honest answer.

"I don't know. I'm never able to do it."

Penny lifts her head and uses her elbow to sustain herself as she looks down on you. She's almost on top of you and meets your gaze. Her eyes are dark, with the sparks of ever-present intentions you aren't sure you want to know. With her eyes red and a thin expression, her next words are so low you almost don't catch them.

"Kiss me."

You feel your throat closing off, and you choke, as you realize your mouth went dry. It's like someone poured a bucket of cold water on you. This doesn't feel casual anymore, and you think it never was. Damn Penny.

With skin flushed, you aren't sure how you can get out the next words. You ease your touch around her.

"Penny I don't think that's—"

"Did I read it wrong?" She says and leans in more, and as the distance lessens the air is knocked out of your lungs when all your vision is composed of her.

You dreamt of Penny singing those words out loud for you alone, to make her feel special, to dedicate all of your time for her because she simply deserves it, for so long. You stare at her, with her stupid unwavering determination to get this done. Fully aware that you have been through this.

In this night on this empty classroom, you swear you will do anything to avoid causing all this distress to Penny again.

It's your fault, and you know it.

You stretch your neck, allowing your face to reach hers leisurely, spanning out towards Penny and then fondling your head into her throat, missing the mark. (her perfume, her perfume, her perfume). You can tell, this isn't what she expected you to do (or is it?). You don't want her to see how close you were of accepting her offer, of giving into this temptation. Of turning around. Trying to soothe her, you carefully whisper to her,

"I can't, I can't," You mutter so devoid of anything. You want, You want it so much. She deserves better than a broken relationship with you. Hell, you are both teenagers, both girls. What you are feeling will pass, your empty mind chants.

"Why?" Of course, she demands an explanation, but this is the one thing you do not give to her.

She can't see it, but you crack a small smile,

"It's the potion talking Pens, don't do something stupid. It will pass. You know how gits of our age act." You sound too dismissive to your taste as if it didn't matter to you at all.

You honestly don't know if you are talking about all your problems right now, or something more.

Perhaps you were learning with Penny how to be a better liar.

She quietly mutters, and you can't quite place this poignancy she has,

"I know how I feel about you. That's the problem, and I don't think it's going to go away."

You lay down on the floor again, appreciating Penny's eye with a sorrowful gaze,

"I would wager with you that it's best we be friends."

"Wanna bet?" Her voice is severe, with an unmoving determination.

You saw storms in Penny's blue ocean, and for the first time since this year started, you think she is going to be all right.

She falls over you, completely and thoroughly.

"Can we stay like this just for a little longer?"

She knows you too well.

You fall back to the floor, embracing her as she comes.

"Of course."

* * *

ii.  
fifth year — end of year

You are walking towards your Defense Against the Dark Arts class when someone grasps your robes. Surprised, you turn around to find Beatrice with her face flushed, and you are taken aback at how similar she looks to Penny. Not that you would know how Penny looks with her face flushed, ever since your confrontation so many nights ago neither of you ever touched again on the subject.

The ghost of her words still echoes in your mind, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. You wonder if this was your only chance of tasting her lips, of knowing what beautiful songs were locked behind her skin.

Stop with the dramatics, get your shit together. Forget her.

That's the problem, and I don't think it's going to go away.

Beatrice coughs, trying to get your attention back and you didn't even realize you drifted off. You must be more tired than you thought you were. You hope your blush isn't telling.

"Hey. You aren't cutting class right now, are you?" You give her your best smile. Ever since she got rescued, this is one of the few times you didn't catch Beatrice with a melancholic gaze.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," she gives a pause, considering her next words, "about Penny," Beatrice says it in a deadly serious tone. Your spine shatters, you aren't sure you want to talk about her at all.

You know to be lying to yourself, ever since the confrontation where all was normal, except you haven't been alone with Penny ever since. She tries to get to hang out with you, but you always come up with an excuse. It's better this way you tell yourself, and you want neither of them getting hurt.

"Well, I have DADA right now. So, you want to talk about it later?" Your hold on your bag firm, displaying what you can only hope to be restraint, to make it seem you were in a hurry, "Rakepick is really on my arse this whole year because of detention and not having time to study,"

She puffs her cheeks, stomping on the ground and making no indication of letting this go. If there was one thing you learned ever since the young Haywood went back to your life is that she was infinitely more stubborn than Penny.

"I don't care!" The first year stated, "My sister is more important than any stupid class of yours" her hand clenches as a fire is light up in her eyes, "and don't you dare say you don't think the same,"

It seems you were caught red handed. You plead ignorance,

"What are you talking about?"

She is fuming now, you better just oblige to her demands. You are not looking forward to Rakepick's punishment at all.

"All right, let's go, you lead the way," You extend your hand as a peace offering, and for now she accepts. She storms off.

You almost have to run to catch up with her.

* * *

She leads you in a clearing near the Hogwarts lake. The rustling of the leaves kisses on your face and your smile. This is a good spot; you have to give the younger Haywood some credit.

"How did you find this place?" You ask intrigued, after all, the first year didn't spend much time in Hogwarts.

"Doesn't matter right now." She is angry about something, spitting fire out of every word she leaks. You decide to remain quiet until she addresses why she led you here.

"Why have you been avoiding my sister?"

You go on the defensive,

"I just don't have the time is all,"

She sees through you, age beyond of an eleven year.

"She has been complaining in my ear, and I want to know. It's—" And this is the first time since she caught your attention today, that her voice weavers, "It's not because of me right?"

You gulp because no, of course it's not her. It's you and your big heart full of feelings that can't take anymore being near her without wanting to ravish her, to kiss her silly, to just—

"Of course not!" You shake your head, attempting to shift her focus (your thoughts), "Why would you think that?"

"It's just, well, Penny said you might be feeling guilt is all." Her eyes start to flush, and she sniffs, "And, I just, I don't want to be the reason Penny is in such a bad mood all the time,"

You hug her firmly, muttering,

"Beatrice, love, it's all right. Don't worry. I will talk to Penny. You are right, I may have been avoiding her, but it's my fault really,"

Quietly Beatrice says words you have been dreading, and she sounds so certain it scares you.

"Will you tell her you love her?"

Does it scare her?

This caught you off guard. You let go of her, eyes wide and tongue tangled.

She continues,

"I, when I was trapped, I saw things, it was weird. I saw how you looked at her."

(i saw how you hungered for her, i saw how your heart ached for her, i saw how you mind pleaded for her)

You whisper trying to convince yourself.

"That's silly. Love is quite a stretch, isn't it? We are too young for that."

"Whatever you say," Beatrice's voice remains confident.

You search in your bag and take off a chocolate frog, one you were going to give Tulip since you owe her, but it can wait. You toss it to Beatrice. She almost let it falls but catches it nonetheless.

"Hey, don't worry, it's all going to be all right."

You pause, considering your next words.

"Nice catch, by the way. You might make a good Seeker in the future,"

Not allowing her to answer, you take off.

Your hollow words leave a trail more heavily than your steps, and as you turn back, you don't think you can handle those pairs of blue eyes staring at you.

She doesn't follow you.

You now run.

(towards dada, of course, of course,)

This might be the day Rakepick snaps you in half. You might not mind that much.

* * *

When you arrive, all the students are already in place, attentively listening to Rakepick's lecture. You try your best to appear casual as you slip towards your place. Rowan notices your arrival, and so does Rakepick.

She gives you a stern look but doesn't stop the lecture. You are glad.

Gathering your material, you begin to take notes about the review of the whole year.

Was there going to be a test at the end of the class?

You try to catch Rowan's attention who was now fully engrossed hanging by every word Rakepick said. You look around, and Tulip is now looking funny at you.

Grabbing your quill, you write quickly your question and charm it to arrive in Tulip's desk when Rakepick isn't looking.

Tulip nods.

Fuck.

'You all right?' She lips silently to you.

'Fuck' Is all you have to say.

"As stated at the beginning of the class, this will be worth forty percent of your final mark, I hope for the sake of your O.W.L.S you give a shit about this. You will have the second part of our double period to do it and this final minutes to review."

You gulp in fear, how could you have forgotten?

"Good luck."

* * *

"You all right mate?" Rowan asks you at the end when you are leaving the class.

"Yeah. Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to fail DADA. Rakepick is gonna shove a wand so far up my arse I might regret ever stepping on this shit-hole."

"You had to see her face when she realized the theoretical test was today! Bloody brilliant." Tulip grabs you by the shoulder with an irritating smile plastered all over her face.

You can't help sending a glare her way, "Yeah, yeah, go on you tit."

"Hey, no need to involve them in this!" Tulip shoves you towards Rowan.

"What, you saying they actually exist? Color me—" The feeling of a smirk creeping on your face makes you feel better.

"Enough, you two. I would have reminded you of the test, but I haven't seen you at breakfast or the commons. Where were you?" Rowan intervenes, she is carefully looking at you although her tone is telling of other questions.

You avoid the answer; really, you can't say to her you just wanted to avoid seeing Penny because Wednesday was the day she managed to sit with your friends.

"Around."

Rowan gives you a stern gaze but doesn't bother you further. You have a feeling this is not over yet.

The three of you head towards your usual hanging spot, meeting Ben and Barnaby who were already in the courtyard.

"So I open the door, and there are four bow-truckles, and they are forming a ladder to get to the frog chocolate atop the closet." You overhear Barnaby talking with a gleam on his eyes, smiles most elegant to Ben.

"What? How come?" Ben's eyebrows over the moon.

"The top one, Sneakers also stole a small hat of one of my father's war toys. It came with a bloke who had a really mean look."

"A, a cowboy toy?"

"Don't be silly, Ben. There are no boys who are cows!"

Ben gives one of the dullest stares you have seen as to date and you don't blame the boy, Barnaby is the thickest of them all, and that is saying something with you in the group.

You sit beside Barnaby as Tulip takes the floor and Rowan takes Ben's side.

"Got to give him some credit Ben, I also have no idea what a cowboy is." You say trying to help your fellow Slytherin.

"It's a person who often goes 'Yeehaw!' "Tulip provides.

"How do you know this? You didn't take muggle studies, did you?" Doubt hanging by every word you say.

"Mom once took me to see a 'movie,' like moving paintings which are huge and they were about cowboys. It was kind of neat."

"Actually, they are a popular figure often seen in North American stories of the Old West." Penny's voice echoes beside you and you are taken aback as you haven't seen her approach your group.

"Yeah, usually paired with a Sheriff," Ben concludes.

Barnaby starts again.

"Back to the Bow-truckles! So they are trying to get the Chocolate Frog, and when they are nearing him, the frog jumps and steals Snickers's hat!" He does wild gestures trying to explain how that came to happen.

"What? No way they are that smart." Ben says.

"Forget that, no way they didn't just melt. Chocolate frogs aren't able to survive more than, like, thirty minutes after letting loose." Tulip exasperatedly adds.

When the group is arguing about how realistic a frog is to survive on a closet in the middle  
of summer, you take your time to steal a glance to Penny, just to find out she has been looking at you also.

You look the other way.

"You are telling me he used his little fingers?" Tulip crosses her arms, trying to make sense of it all.

"Do frogs even have little fingers?" Rowan asks.

You feel the touch of a hand on your shoulder, and it's Penny. She smiles at you, so you try to do the same. She is now right beside you, hand on fire and a flicker on her eye so close to your face. Her words travel close to you,

"Hey,"

"Hello" Is all you can muster back.

"Listen," She begins slowly, and you could have sworn she was battling eyelashes at you. Almost like attempting to guide you with her siren song. "You doing anything later?"

Anything other than prepare for your funeral after that test? Not really.

You swiftly glance around the group who is still paying attention to the discussion, and you get back at Penny. Hell. It would be best if you got this over with.

"I'm as free as it gets,"

Penny brightens up and quietly asks,

"Want to take a stroll with me later?"

As she says her fingertips stiff around your shoulder, as she carefully places her other hand on your back. Unyielding. Those touches are enough to steal your breath away.

Two walks with Haywood's siblings on the same day was a recipe for disaster. However, you did promise the young one.

"Sure,"

Penny happily goes back to the discussion that, now, has shifted to what is considered a finger.

Her touch never leaves you.

Tulip is looking intently at you with the biggest smiles.

You don't feel so confident about your decision after that.

* * *

Your bag strap might just snap with the firm grip you are giving it. To say you are nervous would be an understatement. You are waiting for Penny at the place she said she wanted to meet.

You see her slowly approaching you with her usual smile. You don't want to do this anymore, but you have already promised.

To both of them.

Fuck-wit you should just have continued avoiding her, but you suppose this can't go on forever.

You have to get over her.

"Thank you for taking the time to take a stroll with me,"

"C' mon Penny, I always have time for you" This would be true if it were at the beginning of the year, you just hope she doesn't—

"Doesn't feel like it these days."

Her stare gives tell-tales signs of annoyance, but you can't quite pinpoint if it's genuine. Yet again, you don't know how to act after that night.

A hush of students could be seen from down below the bridge both of you stand. The grip on your bag was stronger than ever.

"How's Beatrice?" The change of subjects felt like a must.

With eyes wide, Penny shifts and rests on the railing, eyes ever fixed on yours.

"Healthy as a horse," Her choice of words doesn't escape you, "And you?"

A flash cuts deeper on your chest as you remember the frightening day you rescued Beatrice. Nobody asked many questions when you came bloodied, a sword on your hand and the weight of the world on the other.

Your brother's eyes didn't feel the same, but you were glad that Beatrice's did. A sword and nothing. Everyone thought the blood you had on your hands was only yours.

How could you even begin to explain that he asked you to forsake it all? That you almost accepted it? Till this night you still catch yourself imagining, allowing a fleeting fantasy where you go with him, join his ranks, to hell with wizard society maybe not giving a name to things was, as he said, a sign of weakness. Maybe people needed a lesson; maybe you should be the one to giv—

The strap from your bag breaks loose, and with a thud, it hits the cold hard ground. Penny quickly comes to your side and helps you gather the now the papers set loose as did your anxiety.

You weren't the greatest liar, that was Penny's crown to take, but at times like this, where you know it's best for her not to know how close you were from abandoning her, you tried it.

The haunting thought that you almost left her, and did so when she needed you the most; as she still had a grip on your heart, made you wonder how much it would take for you. Did you miss the chance to get over her?

No, she was doing fine without you. It was best this way. It's not love.

"I'm fine," You settle.

She starts a stride with the utmost resilience towards the end of the bridge, silence feeling the holes of your conversation.

As both of you entered the forest, she leads you to a small clearing, one filled with flowers. You silently follow her trail and looking intently at her back, trying smoothly to thread the deep water of her mind.

The silence is not a comfortable one, and you suppose she doesn't want it to be. Penny was very good at getting what she wanted out of people, to make them feel whatever she wanted, to set moods.

She sits in the middle of a lot of tall grass.

You sit across her.

The feel of dirt on your hand is not lost on you. The sun shines most unlike Scotland and the shadow that it casts feels immeasurably safer than being exposed. The both of you stare at each other you are reminded of that day, the day the two of you stupidly drank that potion. The day you said too much.

"I want to keep talking where we left off."

That day.

You yet again make yourself dumb.

"You want to keep talking about frog's fingers?"

"Kindly, I want my friend back."

"I—"

"I haven't seen you properly ever since that day. You don't talk to me in the halls anymore. You don't greet me on my way to Astronomy. You aren't even eating breakfast at the Great hall anymore!" She sounds exasperated.

Her look is austere as she continues to talk.

"Look. I understand I crossed a line. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are bothered that I asked for a kiss. Can't we just forget that day?"

'I'm sorry you are bothered that I asked for a kiss.'

'I asked for a kiss.'

She says this, but her look is one that she has known for a long time.

You grasp her hand in a sort of desperation, and you don't know how to act.

'These feelings will go away in time.' Merula's word echoes through your mind.

She does the most unexpected and grabs hold of your collar; she rallies your body and gravity propels you to follow her to the ground. You let yourself fall over her, ending up on top. You are so close to her. She silently stares at you, waiting for an answer you don't know if you will ever give to her.

She envelops herself on you, clings to your sweater yearning you down you, and you let her.

Close.

"Tell me," There doesn't need to make an effort for her voice to reach you,

(to get out of my system.)

"We can't go on like this," You brokenly whisper, you can't, you can't

"Why?" Her grip on you is stronger, firmer, with and urgency.

"We can't," The broken record in you is persistent.

She takes a while to reply and with a thrill, let's out something that itches you to run away,

"I see the way you look at me."

She cups your head with her hands, you, you don't find in yourself to stop her. You want just as much as she wants to.

"I have seen for a long time. Please tell me I'm right."

"Penny, we can't."

(please.)

Her expression strikes and a knife on your lungs,

"Explain then, tell me why, convince me not to love you,"

She strikes a cord in your chest,

"You drive a hard bargain, asking me not to love you," She replicates, and replicates—

She places a kiss beside your mouth, and your face catches on fire,

"We're both witches,"

She places a kiss on your neck, and the heat is unbearable,

"I'm a pure-blood,"

At this she stops, only to look at you with the stupidest silliest smile,

"What about it? I'm a halfy."

"I— forget it." You turn sideways as the infatuation comes across all your system.

With her hands, she guides your face to look at her again.

"Please, just for today," Penny insists, and you are urged to follow, a slave of your own heart. You stand atop of the so ancient, so full of glaring holes of a wall you build to protect yourself and watch as you only have one thing left for you to do.

You close your eyes and let yourself fall.

"Just for today."

It's innocent at first. You suppose it always is at first. Her mouth is softer than you could have imagined, and you pull back, already flushed, already unsure what to do.

She gives you a stern look and yearns you down and opens her mouth, to allow for you. You don't need to be told twice and begin an attempt to make her feel as you are feeling, as if the sun has come down, close enough to burn the two of you. Her hands are on your hair, and your feelings are taking over, vanilla comes to your mind as your tongue seeks for answers only she wants you to know.

You hold to all the longing you keep inside, but Penny can be very persuasive.

Soon her hands find themselves on your shoulders, and you are straddling her, you never meant it to happen, and yet you find yourself enraptured by the sunset that is Penny Haywood.

You won't remember this, not at all, you know you won't remember how the grass felt against your legs, how the sun shone down for the both of you, how she made the gentlest noises when you passed through a particular spot. The way she felt laid back on the dirt, hankering your hands to keep up with her.

You pull back yet again, but her hands ever remain posing on your shoulders, with a wicked splendor, she wrenches you to the side, and the both of you are rolling, you begin to laugh, you feel grass entering your blouse, you feel her heat entering your body and

you feel alive and, and you fall, you spin.

"Ha! Hah, Pens, my world was already twisted, there was no need to take the next step,"

She is so close to you,

"Shut up, nerd."

"Oh, oh! Is it 'nerd' now? Well, need I remind you of that time—"

Penny chooses to undertake the insufferable task to entertain you in her way. Her smile rivaling the brightest stars.

* * *

When the sun goes down, you are beside her. Your lungs partake into getting to know oxygen once again. You feel that it won't go away, not really.

"You are very kind," she whispers, and you don't know if she wants you to comment on that. Both of you laid bare of any doubts for hours, but the remarks had to come up again, and yet you feel like you know her better than before.

"What, what do you plan to do after all of this is over?" You innocently ask the year is coming to an end after all.

The tip of the moon can be seen, and the stars remain in the sky despite all.

Penny decides to ignore your unspoken question, the one you really would like the answer of.

"To have you over on Christmas, what else?"

They shine brightly, and they will, even if all hell breaks loose.

"Am I now?"

She grasps your hand, resting her head on your shoulder and it weights like the end of the world for you.

"You still haven't convinced me,"

You feel an ant crawling up on your arm,

"It will end with heartbreak,"

She laughs now, and it is so sweet, so, so,

"Even if it does, it will be worth it,"

That's what frightens you.

* * *

The walk back to the common room is a delight, despite all, you feel Penny, and you are going to be all right. You now share a secret, share a twitch on both of your eyes on which the smile hurts both of your faces,

"Here we are," She says, and you are glad both of your commons rooms are so close.

Both of you didn't determine what you are to each other, as far as you know, you are still friends and only that. But Penny did have different ideas as she said goodbye and kissed the corner of your mouth, knowingly sparking a familiar heat on your face,

"Later,"

You are being selfish. Penny could get hurt because you can't let her go. You wonder, then, as you hear your steps when did you fall for her?

You mother would never approve, your father might just outright forgive Jacob and curse you to death, just to remind you that he was the golden son. Jacob would laugh, his words, "Damn sis, just fuck her, and that's it. The world is not going to end,"

The world would survive, but hers might not. She threaded dangerous waters looking for Jacob (she already found him, but that wasn't your brother, no, no, n), and it showed. Visits to Knockturn Alley, Rakepick teaching her unforgivable curses, Snape preparing her to invade the mind of others—

All in all, you wish your heart had picked someone easier to satisfy its need. Easier to explain. However, somehow, you wouldn't have it any other way. Loving her was enough for you, seeing her face and feeling at peace was a reward of its own.

The wizarding world was not prepared for a relationship of two witches. Your family name was already tarnished as it was. This would just put the nail in the coffin for all of you.

But what worried you the most was what would happen to Penny. It was not uncommon for the Pureblood to feel superior, but the rumors of other Pureblood families interfering on the matters were aggravating. You just worry that it would endanger her more than you already did; she almost lost her sister because of you, because of your search.

And she keeps teasing you, asking for you to bare it all and you just can't contain yourself when you are with her. It's best just to keep it friendly, that way everyone would be happy.

You have to start acting like the way she looks at you doesn't make you want to burn the world for her.

"So, did you and Penny made up?" Rowan's words resounded, pulling you out of your daydream through the almost empty common room, you hope your answer suffices.

"There was never a fight," You sit on the chair, letting the emotions from the day wash out of you as you wonder how much you fucked up this time.

"Yeah, huh, sure," Rowan's tone confirms what you already knew, you wonder to what extent she has acknowledged your taking a like to Penny. "Is Penny your best-friend now?"

This prompts you to open your eyes as you stare at her,

"What brought this on?"

Rowan lets out a tsk, "All your time this year was either spent with Rakepick kicking your ass or with Penny,"

You put your hands on your leg, "I studied too,"

"You sure did,"

Before you could address this whole new problem you had on your hands, she leaves, and you are alone once more.

God, you are so tired.

Rowan lets you off the hook, muttering the simplest sorry you can hear. This isn't over, but you buy yourself time to resolve one social issue after another;

You dream of trees, the earth beneath your nails, sunshine;

* * *

The ride back to the platform is as uneventful as you hoped it could be, heart pounding and with temptation for the unknown. A part of you is at ease, for you don't have to deal with your compulsions too much. (you haven't seen her since this morning,). The highlights of Ben's serenity in his sleep is not lost on you, and he deserves a rest.

The tensions between you and Rowan decorates the now cracked frame of your friendship, adding an urgency of a talk, of being truthful to her and your desires.

You don't think you are quite there yet.

As the terrain around you shifts, so does your mood and you wonder where and what mischief trail upon the train, and if Tonks and Tulip already blew up a window. There was a high pitched noise, and you are sure they were in on it.

You are avoiding the clutch on your heart as your time in the train begins to fade. You promised Penny you would spend some time over the Christmas break at her house and you find yet again contemplating on how difficult it is to stay away from her.

Ever since that day, you began, with a more subtle approach, to distance the two of you. But her touch still lingered on your skin, her breath again drew you in, and you were nowhere close to merely being able to deny her.

You close your eyes.

* * *

Penny gently drops her hands from your face allowing you to take in the view. Light the siege of your eyes, making you go blind. Then you gaze at the sun.

Her house goes beyond your expectations, leading you to believe her muggle influence has a more significant share in her life than she lets on.

"Brilliant, isn't it?" Her voice gently whispers to you.

"Brilliant," You mimic, not masquerading the wonder in your voice as you stare at her eyes.

She has her hands on yours, carefully touring you through the house, Beatrice occasionally pops up, and you meditate on her parent's whereabouts. You inquiry then, when you are going to meet them.

She is climbing the stairs, you carefully behind her, ever so faithfully. Each step soaring in your eyes as the quietness of the house settles in your mind. Penny's grip is earnest.

So is yours.

When you enter her room, her eyes pursue yours, awaiting your reaction eagerly. Before you see it, you smell it — fresh grass and meadows. Her room fulfills your fix for her, with her cauldron and things everywhere and white. You can feel the smile on your face before it is unreachable to her eyes, and so is Penny. She lets go of your grip, hands ever so shifting and you following the trail, always.

They are placed on your shoulders, and your mouth goes dry. Both of you are standing in her room and you so awfully become aware of her bed, and as it always goes she drags you down, and you follow.

Is quiet, is madness, the bumping of your heart furnishes the silence of the room and you for sure knows she can hear it. It's these moments that you know; you can't take back.

Were you not a coward, she would be yours, and you curse all life. It is an attempt, but life knows better, better than to let on a fool who doesn't accept their truth. Maybe, maybe you should let it go. You feel tired from running.

Maybe it's not about deserving. Maybe it's about feeling, maybe she can be happy and make Penny happy and maybe. maybe, mayb—

You lean in, and a bright smile meets Penny's face, and finally, Icarus meets their sun, as she pulls you down, impatient.

A knock comes to the door, and she sits up, hands on your heart as you lean towards her more, not moving from your place, asking to be caught, and then you aren't sure if she carefully planned this, or if she too, was leading on with her heart.

"Pens? Your mother and I brought you food," A muffled men's voice calls, and you are sure it's her dad.

You retrieve your hand from her heart, leaning backward. The tailing of your movements don't go unnoticed, but oddly Penny lets you go. There is a quiet thought, one that reaches you with the most horrid screams, that maybe, maybe it's all in your head. Maybe she doesn't want this at all.

The steps don't feel the same after that.

* * *

Penny's mom is, dare you to say, just as beautiful as her. Her father is well-kept, albeit he always seems out of some sort. The dinner was uneventful, filled with unremarkable ramblings that would challenge small chit-chats about the weather.

Your askance to Penny was subtle, yet you felt Penny's mother gaze upon you more times than what one could consider a circumstantial event. You can't help but feel the twitch of your hand as you stab the meat on your plate yet again.

"So, dad, you got to see what I learned in flight class!" A younger Haywood excitedly kept on the retelling of her misadventures of Hogwarts. Or what she could manage to have in such a short time.

"Dear, just be careful, okay? Don't fly too fast," Her father muttered as he firmly ate with a serene expression.

"Yeah? Like when mom did it, and you broke your nose?" The sheer amount of white from Beatrice's smile was blinding.

Her father coughed up and muttered, "Ah, yes,"

The mother's gaze never left you.

* * *

Oddly enough, you ended up helping to wash the dishes the muggle way, as Penny explained it to you. You carefully paid attention to each of your movements, lest you make a fool out of yourself, the Pureblood that can't even wash plates.

Penny's mother was right beside you, and the silence was palpable. You felt you knew this type of silence. The type Penny inflicted on you to make you wonder what actions upset the glowing Haywood.

Like mother, like daughter.

When you were to get another cloth for a persistent stain which refused to let go, you felt cold fingers on your shoulders impeding you from leaving the small kitchen.

"Dear, can we talk?" Her voice was terse, body rigid and right, gaze unyielding.

"Of course, ma'am" With the utmost respect, you wanted to leave this house and in no other instance in your life did you wish you knew how to apparate.

Never mind being against the law.

The mother kills.

"I want you to cut all contacts with my daughters,"

You freeze, unblinking as your heart makes a parade out of you.

"I do not enjoy this influence you have on either of them, your family shouldn't be touched even by blasting the most horrendous leviosa, and all the Wizard community knows of this. You can thank my husband, who is unconcerned with the pureblood's rivalry and persuaded me to let you stay for the last time, but by this, I will not abide any longer."

Each of her words — sounds — that it was what it was. Negative, wrong, you aren't conscious of your hand flinching, of your heart being pressed against your rib cage as the need to regurgitate anything, something, for it not to be retained in the depths of your being. But you aren't so in luck, no, it is engraved and so is her next words.

"Your brother should have gone to Azkaban," As this sentence goes out you feel your eyes getting wider, your will to fight back strengthens, and you clutch your fists. But you think better. You turn your gaze towards the windows, a peaceful capitulation.

"I don't want you looking at my daughter, am I clear?"

You didn't recognize your voice, and she didn't say which daughter but you knew, she knew,

"Yes, ma'am."

She was right, she was right, and the fault was utterly yours. The thought was the loudest of them all.

You leave the room, dispensed as the mom demands for you to not come back. Crossing your way through the house, the stairs felt yet different, or was you that had changed in the meantime? No, you were still a selfish little shit that held down on a dream for too long.

You felt the breeze of the 'sun's daze on your way to the room when you were with Penny near you a lifetime ago. They say you see your life before you are about to die.

When you enter your shared room, Penny's voice is all you can hear.

"Shall we continue where we left off?" A mischievous smile is meeting her face.

This is going to haunt you forever, you know, the words you tell her that night, "No, it was a mistake," "See? I was only using you". Penny takes it all in, immovable a statue on this godforsaken night. After a while, you suppose her walls come back up, and it's all your fault.

At each sentence you think of Penny, hoping she finds happiness, just not with you, not this way. You have done enough.

However, when you end, when all it was left was the dark and the light of her tears, she grasps your face yet again, not in a final attempt, no it doesn't feel that way, with a consuming desire, desire for what?

"You don't mean this. You can't. What happened?" Stirring a far-out feeling she sees through you but you can't, you can't, you can't,

"We were so close. We were doing fine, what happened?" Her arms encircle you, and she cries on you. You don't push her away, letting this end with on this note. But her attempts don't cease, never pry them open.

You leave the house on the morning of Christmas's eve.

* * *

iii.  
sixth year.

Your strategy of subtly avoiding Penny was working. You have rarely seen her on your sixth year, and Rowan seems happier now. Never mind her sudden developed crush on Charlie.

Your first interaction with her was so easy, so natural, you almost wondered, was all that nonsense really love? Or was it attraction, wishing for something you can't attain, only an effervescent dream you had.

Another adventure for you to conquer. Had both of you been too blind to see what was shallow?

And then she laughed, and you fell all over again and fuck.

You still eat with her, you still talk to her but now with restraint. The pull is still there, but it's easier when Charlie wants your attention, yearns for it and you use it as a shield.

But sometimes, sometimes you seize Penny's gaze, the same way you could see the mirror of the stars on that Christmas Eve.

You avoid her gaze, proceeding to move on.

One night, when Rowan was accompanying you, she silent asks with eyes wondering afar from there,

"You think Charlie would give me the time of his day?" She kicks a nearby stone, with the ease as she often does when she inevitably blows something up in Potion's class.

"I dunno, reckon' you ought to ask him," Looking forward, you don't flinch at your lie. Only someone who was blind couldn't see his affections for you.

"You're right, hey, you think Barnaby is going to finally ask Penny out? His stares are so obvious." Rowan snickers, hand behind her neck.

And yet, those simple words eviscerates the remains you have of a peaceful state, ready to pick a fight and yet to know you have no right. You don't answer Rowan, leaving her to her daydreams as you wish for sunshine, only to realize it never shines on Hogwarts, not really.

Rowan doesn't seem to care for your silence, mistaking it maybe for laziness or outright disinterest on the matter. So she tries again, reading her sword with the mouth.

"So you guys are fighting again?"

Refusing to meet her gaze, all you can do is try to seem nonchalant. Lying was always Penny's forte, not yours.

"Don't you see us talking? Your little paranoid when it comes to her, don't you think?"

Rowan stops on her tracks, perplexed look coming through her face as she gives you a once over.

"You're upset. You've been for quite some time."

You raise your voice, just a little, letting emotions come about,

"You're quite annoying. Nothing is going on."

And this time, you try to maintain eye contact to prove her right and, and the way Rowan is displaying a sorrow on your face tells you she isn't going to let this go.

"What is going on? You guys were fine before Christmas break," She approaches you with a determined look.

"I don't want to talk about it," The words travel slowly but Rowan still raises her eyebrows at your answer. After a while you, you don't budge, so she tugs you forward and leads with a sad note on her voice.

"Well, whatever it happened to you two fix it. I have never seen you happier, and it doesn't seem worth losing it over to what might be a petty little fight,"

You stomp on the ground edge never entirely leaving you,

"It isn't petty! It's for her sake!" After the outburst, you complement so low that Rowan almost doesn't catch you, "You wouldn't understand,"

She raises her finger on your face, and her words cut you deep.

"Listen here, whatever, cut the dramatics it's not the end of the world." Her finger still threats to pierce your eye, "Honestly? I don't get you. Whatever weight you think you have to bear alone drop it, you are allowed to be happy."

You pull away.

"You are allowed to be happy if she wants the same I don't see the problem,"

Your gaze comes back to her, did she?

"I mean, I pretty sure knows she also wants to be friends with you, so, honestly, with are you so hang up about this?"

The both of you strolled along the night, steps grazing the snow and Rowan still quite not sure what to do with you.

"Hey, Rowan?" You disrupt the silence once more, inviting her to look at you one more time in this drenched walk towards the castle.

"You think Penny is pretty?"

Her lips come to your mind, and you think of relenting that night, of several nights — god must you taunt her so? — yeah, you could kiss her. Why didn't you do so, why you can't do it keeps boggling your mind. You said once. You said twice and ever the aftermath you seek out of the depths in her is just so selfish, the part of you that keeps this clusterfuck going.

At this point, you have probably shattered her to her core, or you hope you didn't. You wish you didn't stare at Penny after the fallout of the never quite relationship the both of you had. She shouldn't trust a word out of you. yet and yet—

Penny still waits for you. For you to be done with this. When, when are you going to answer her? Are you ever, if at all? How much patience does one garners and is willing to give, how much patience till it's unhealthy to be waiting?

She is just a teenager, and this is just an old friend, who sparks old unspeakable feelings that are rooted by no other than yourself. Cool, you got this.

You are not even close to getting over her, gods, you have to restrain yourself from blushing. Rowan appears to have no idea, so maybe you are better at faking it than you thought you were. Your mind saunter to the day you two drank the Potion, and you never thought you would catch yourself missing that moment.

At least she and you didn't pretend that there was nothing, or rather, at least one of you were mature enough to not comment on the other blatantly withdraw of the little touches, of the warm smiles of the heated hugs to keep warm on the winter. You don't remember the last time your hand grazed hers, and you miss burying yourself on her neck.

Even now, Penny gave you space, and that was the most endearing thing.

No, this space was self-imposed by you and was the most viable option, better than facing the music.

Rowan gives you a weird look but obliges to your bizarre question nevertheless.

"Yeah, one of the prettiest of our year. I mean, she and Barnaby would make a better couple than those seven years that flirt with her all the time." She hums, idly kicking stones along the pathway, "She shoots everyone down though, I always wondered why but never asked."

After some time reconsidering Rowan says with finality.

"Oh! Do you think Penny has a secret lover?"

You don't utter a word after that.

You don't dream.

* * *

You aren't sure why you ever bothered to come to this party. It all came back to when Charlie approached you, talking about this sweet party the Gryffindor team was throwing and that it would happen somewhere down in Hogsmeade.

Getting there was easy, Charlie explained. There was a secret passage that led directly to the house. It's your sixth year in Hogwarts, and this year, you are set on finding the last vault.

Maybe letting off some steam along the way. When you came down to it, you were already there. Horny teenagers were everywhere. Just as fire-whiskeys were everywhere, you might have had a cup or two, but you reassure to yourself you aren't drunk, no you are not. You askance around, only able to snuff out the moans and the loud music everywhere. Was that muggle music? You weren't sure.

You try to escape to the kitchen, wondering whose house was this. When you enter it, you are presented with people standing in a circle and looking at the worn out hat. When you carefully look again, you notice Penny and Charlie are among those people.

"Oi! C' mere we are playing trifuckery" Charlie uncharacteristic puts his arm along with your neck, reeking alcohol. He smiles brilliantly at you.

"Oi, come play with us!" His breath reeks of fire-whiskey, but for a moment you wonder if your does too.

"Sorry?"

Another boy in the circle whom you don't recognize quickly fills you in.

"It's simple, you write the name on a paper, put in and then pull out. Whomever name is on yours, and, the command, you gotta do it, it's brilliant I tell ya. Named after some quackery that happens over Hogwarts ever some years."

"Also" A girl chimes in, "every time you play you gotta take a shot if you want to refuse the command that's two shots."

"And," The first boy who was explaining also elaborates, "you also take a shot after the action."

When you glance around to see who is participating you regard Penny with a blush, she who, you think must be more drunk than she realizes, who just seemed to bite her lip while staring at your mouth.

You probably should skip this, yet.

"Yeah, sure," Whispering as you take place, you aren't sure why you agree to this. The two of you had resolved all of this last year, you knew.

"Ay, ay! Here's a paper and a feather" Charlie hands you the items but misses your hand by a mark, but his smile is no brighter than before, as he urges you to write your name and seal your fate. Carefully placing the ticket in, you wonder what the stupid hat has in store for you, thinking this almost seems feels like you have your heart on that hat.

Your mouth goes dry as you watch the inner workings of the hat, as it carefully pushes and pulls the paper on your hand but you don't let go of it, now slowing its pace, you pull it out, squinting trying to read what it had in reserve for you.

Charlie, kiss.

You steal a glance at Charlie, who has one of the brightest smiles you have ever seen him wear. You gulp with the alternative to just refuse, but this might hurt his feelings and cause unnecessary trouble, your Slytherin nature persuades. The group has started chanting, as some of the people whom you think are Charlie's friend starts laughing, "Atta boy, got her on the first try mate!", "Magic is on your side, Charlie."

You turn around to Charlie and whispers.

"C' mon,"

He doesn't need to be asked twice. He slowly leans in closing his eyes. With your eyes closed, you can feel his mouth on yours, it being rougher than you thought it would be. When he parts, his lips asking for entrance, you concede, wanting to know how far it will go.

You start to imagine his lips to be another's, one of a softer approach, and when you put your hand behind his neck, you can feel the ghosts of the long hair and you dream, dream, dream. You aren't sure how long it goes, but when you two part, you notice his hands now rest on your shoulder.

The both of you turn the other way, and the group laughs, "Man, that was brilliant," "Oi mate, sure is your lucky day, ay?".

You can still feel the ghost of his lips on yours, you take a glance yet again in the circle, and everyone is doing their own thing, but what catches your interest the most in the way Penny is looking at you. Her eyes seemed almost predatory, and you don't know what to do.

Charlie steals your attention again with a shot glass, and you quickly drink it, tasting the hot liquid burning through your throat. You are begging for the liquid to rise and overtake all of you, for it to go over your head.

"All right, now it's Kate's turn," One of the boys says.

Kate eagerly writes her name, noticeably more shrewish and with a lot more of clumsiness, already taken by the alcohol. It isn't much time till she pulls it out, and the result makes you raise your eyebrows. You wanted to make it seem like you didn't care, but you know you are too intoxicated to pretend you don't.

Penny and Kate, kiss.

Will Pens do it?

Kate peeks at Penny and mutters a, "Why not?" and leans in. Penny follows closely behind. You can't see Penny's face in this light, and irrationally you feel angry. The whole group chants again, this time the boys noticeable louder than the girls.

You want to be Kate at this moment, and you almost turn away from seeing this, but it's too good of an opportunity to pass. Penny's moans are something to get lost in the sea of noise wavering through the party, but you search ardently for it. It's incredibly addicting.

You notice heat downwards but decide to ignore it for now. You tap the floor impatiently, waiting for it to be over, ignoring the rush going all over your body. You sigh, angry at your reaction.

When it's over, Penny takes a gander at you, and you can't help the way she now does it again; biting her lips in your direction. You must be dreaming. She also swiftly engulfs her shots, and the game goes on.

A couple of people get to kiss, a girl refuses to kiss another girl and takes two shots and the proceeding to loudly yell "For fuck's sake, I want you to fuck me, Dave!" Then grabbing what you can only hope is Dave out of the wheel.

The notes contained so many random instructions. However, most of it was of a playful nature. Luckily, after Charlie's all of them were simple things like performing spells, biting each other's ear and so on.

It's Charlie turn, and he doesn't write his name. This caught your attention and yet you just let it happen. You take in the glance he throws at you, and you know what he wishes for, and you are sure, at this moment, you will have to talk to him about this sooner or later.

You are so busy fretting over this you don't even notice when the hat makes a strange noise. You bring your eyes back to the old piece of headgear that now emits a weird red light. The paper that came out of it read: your name and Penny's the instructions following only with closet seven minutes written. Did this mean you had to spend seven minutes in a closet with Charlie and Penny?

Penny snaps your attention when she gasps, "Seven minutes."

You are confused, but the wheel goes silent. Charlie fills you win with a blush.

"This, this is extremely rare. Ah, you see, sometimes you can not partake at the turn at all when two names are written down. And, ehrm, this case it seems it's for you and Penny to go for a closet? For se, seven minutes. You can just excuse yourself of this one if you want."

His face only worsens, but as he explains, you can't help but look at Penny who, in this dark, you can only wonder what's going on in her head. Was she going to refuse?

(the shots you took early almost give you the courage to grab her and go, go—)

Charlie keeps on with his explanation, not noting you busy thinking about other things.

"S'bout being seven minutes with someone on a closet." You can tell that Charlie is making an effort trying to explain this, and it is quite impressive considering he is pretty wasted. What you didn't expect though was he coming near you to whisper next you,

"S'rry, the spell I tampered with should have been mean' you, well, you know, I just wanted to spend time with you s'all, serves me right for tampering with the spell" He murmurs only for your ears, lightly taps your back almost as lamenting this wasted opportunity.

Penny not soon enough comes next to you and grabs your hand. You weren't ready then, and she proceeds to stare at Charlie, almost in a stand-dish off way. You must be misplacing your expectations, that can't be what's happening.

"Do you want to...?" She quickly addresses you. She seems soberer than Charlie.

"Yeah," Your answer comes firm enough that she accepts. You whole wise plan, the one you carefully constructed throughout the entire year crumbles down after five shots and a kiss from Charlie. You don't find in yourself enough to care about it all, only penny, penny, penny.

Charlie quickly leads the two of you to a closet. While you are climbing the stairs, you steal glances to Penny. She has a funny smile on her face. The dim light that reflected her hair made her seem ethereal, and perhaps if you died right here, it would have been enough.

Perhaps it is the alcohol that gives you strength. You come closer to her, whispering,

"You look beautiful,"

She giggles at you, instantly broadening your smile. Your whisper was almost like it was a secret shared between you two. It takes you back, to years where just being around Penny was a reward, when feelings didn't cut deep and were so simple. Maybe it was, you couldn't tell.

Penny nestled her hands deeper into yours, propelling you to go forward, following Charlie. Uncommonly, Penny almost falls when climbing the stairs, but with your steady hand, you avoid that.

Maybe she is drunker than you thought.

Charlie leads you to a small closet. You can only imagine what happens or happened in there.

(what was going to happen, you feel the heat on your cheeks, you have to stop this now! you can't allow it to happen again! remember her words!)

I don't want you looking at her.

So when he closes the door, his lasts words come muffled through the wood, so has hers.

"I will be right back, play nice!"

Now you are finally left alone, and you can't quite believe. The closet is quite small, and you can't see a damn thing. You let go of her hand in an attempt to carefully extend your arms to search for her. You don't really know how close both of you are. You find her, and as you feel the ghost of her skin at the tips of your fingers you mutter,

"So, how have you been?"

You are met with silence, and then you decide to cave in, and ask something that burned you since those nights long ago,

"Penny, is this all right?"

The question doesn't put her off. She doesn't tense, the question loaded with what has been crossing your mind for so long, packed with intentions accumulated for months. For years she has had your heart without even trying, to dream with her answering those calls seemed too good to be true.

You feel her shift and now notices she was closer than you expected, she wraps her arms around your neck. You can't tell the look on her eyes, but you can say to the heat coming off from her body and wrapping around yours.

"More than all right," She mumbles in the dark, music leaking through the door.

Both of you remain still, not sure what to do next. With one hand, you slowly search her face, and when you find it, the softness enraptures your skin.

You fingertips gently hug her face, feeling her heat and a breathe caught on your throat; when you eventually find her lips. Penny seems to part her lips as soon as she realizes what you are doing, slowly starts to apply pressure to it and your fingers are wet as your lips feel dry. You have to remind yourself to let go, to breathe, careful to not let out a sound break this twisted trance she has got on you.

Your nose is a wildfire as it infects all over your face.

You must remain impartial, to not show how much you care, how deep this affects you. This must go on as only an attraction, as something simple, one you don't freely throw at her and yell, "do it! do it and let me rest upon for a simple taste of forever with you!" and this mustn't happen, no but Penny continues.

You feel yourself biting your own lip and licking them, you then, in an attempt to stop your head from spinning as the stimulation does nothing to fix the ache settled between your tights, find yourself wetting your lips. You can feel her tongue wickedly playing with your finger, and you imagine, she must be teasing you.

One simple suck from her and your free hand clutch as you go rigid. You gently free your thumb using the same hand to cup her face. You don't know if she can tell you're are leaning in, but now that your eyes have adjusted to the dark, you see her silhouette with the dim light the door provides.

(you hesitate, you hesitate)

You rest your forehead on hers, and she encloses her hands on your neck a little bit harder, with one of them playing with your hair.

"Penny, can I—"

You stutter.

"Can I—"

You hear her sigh, and the exasperatedly following up with,

"Yes, yes," She breathless answers, and those words, the way it was said, plant themselves in the deepest reaches of your heart, you thought you can't ever go back after this.

She kisses you. You kiss her. Her lips are ever softer than silk. You both attempt to make up, for the time lost and you are sure at this point, with her mouth on yours it all must be the alcohol. (sure?) However, it isn't enough. You want more. She invokes greediness out of you, you offer yourself to her and don't even think twice.

Your plea for the intoxicating taste of her tongue, for her to open her mouth and for then, to get of this weight you've had for so long.

She is a trickster, she doesn't free you, she wrights you down, she makes your love grow ever so strong and too long always for more, addicting as she is.

(you drown)

You are so surprised when she explores you, the ghost of her touch crawls up all over your body, your heart, your mouth. She is everywhere, and you have lost yourself, and you don't want to be found. She electrifies you. You lose control of your hands, wanting to do the same to her.

Your brain goes haywire, and all you can think is of the smooth lips clashing against yours. Her scent makes you lighter than you thought you could.

You didn't even notice you pushed her towards a wall, her back halting as it comes into contact with the solid wood, as she pulls your head closer and closer attempting to extinguish the space between the two of you.

You don't know how long it takes, but at some point, you are out of breath panting attempting to catch up but wanting to suffocate all the same. As you back up, Penny tries to follow you, not wanting it to end. You wonder how many minutes you have left. You want a lifetime of minutes.

"Fuck, I, I'm—" You attempt to try to say something, to justify this lust, this want. Penny must be doing this out of pity for you, out of curiosity. She must, you wager, wonder what you think of her as stupid, for her to give her heart to you, you who so dourly shattered it that night. Not again. The two of you shouldn't do this. You settled it last year.

One day is all you would ever get. One evening, one look, one turn.

"Again, please I miss you" Your words from before are easily shut out as Penny whispers with the mask, as speaking as the devil, to partake into a pact upon the dark. You don't expect her to ask for more, and then, you can't control yourself, head so light it might touch the sky,

"One day is all we would ever get," Tripping with your words, you still manage to get them out.

"We were past this point, you sound like a broken record yet again," And she is right, stop running turn around, flourish what has been right in front of you all this time and finally, finally allow yourself to love freely her, only her, even if it has to be in the dark if she smiles you don't need anything else.

"I was told to stay away from you," The alcohol breaks your wall, so close to hear, not needing to raise your voice, as she can listen to you. Not needing to explain why, as she would understand and you were sure she caught up to what you were talking about.

"My mother?" A beat, and then— "So typical, I should have known, you were always so easily moved by other's wants," Penny ponders, a second and the most sinister thought leaks, reaching her face. Quietly, she admits more than asks, with fright in her voice, "How much of this are you doing my wants?"

A laugh bubbles out of you, freely as you say, "It was always you, you whom I wanted to make happy,"

A dire need excruciating Penny yells, "Tell me,"

(please, please, please!)

You don't answer her.

(later, later you can see yourself staring at the mirror in the dead of night, you will whisper to yourself why did you allow it to happen, risking your friendship for a drunken tryst? how could you? your burn scars still itch from your fifth year; you flew too close, you did)

You lean back again, never having enough. The very same dance that leads to an end you so desperately never want to get to know.

You are back at it again, as you lavish her lips fiercely. It comes to the point where you almost lose all the rational thought you have within you, enveloped only in Penny, Penny, and Penny; you have a hunger that seems virtually infinite when it came to her.

You break the contact sooner than Penny wants if her soft moan is of any indication. (music, music all around you). You focus on her neck, sucking it first, softly, as Penny's moans increased more roughly. Her head rests entirely on the closet's wall, giving you more space to work with. You wonder how much more you can make her sing those moans to you.

You leave light kisses, which weighted almost like your whole being. They were so most unadorned but carried your heart at each own of them, and Penny gasped, hardened her touch on you, she let the darkness and all it entailed take over swimming in the trill of it all.

You freeze when you hear her mutter your name, at the gentle sighs that escape her mouth, when you feel the void of touch around your neck putting some distance between both of you.

This feels more real, and you are starting to think this might be a mistake. That Penny is going to turn around and say, 'You sick fuck how dare you do this to me after turning me down,' 'Don't you have integrity?'.

But your attention is shifted to other things,

Penny must have placed her hands elsewhere. Soon, her hands find yours again, and you aren't sure what she wants. She grabs one of your hands and leads it downwards. You feel a sense of dread, as you are about to immerse your hand into dangers unknowns.

As you attempt to identify what it is she wants, you learn that she led your hand to her muggle trousers, which you note are open. You feel then, the silk of her underwear and you tense around her.

"Penny—" You whisper, lost on what to do.

"Please," She begs.

With the tip of your fingers, you carefully approach her underwear, and you can hear her holding her breath. You ponder on the rightness of this, you are afraid of getting burnt by the sun yet again, this time for good, but maybe, it is worth it.

(please, please!)

(for her it is, always)

"Tell me if you want me to stop," You mutter. You are looking at her dim lighted face, and she leans and kisses you, a promise.

"Of course,"

With the tips of your fingers, you come into contact with her skin. It burns, it burns as you caress her. As you go further down, she arches, leaning her forehead on your cleavage, burying her face deep onto you. You are sure when you found the right spot when you are met with wetness around your fingers.

You try to maneuver, but her underwear makes it quite tight as your hand is occupying some space. However, the subtle movements still got an answer out of Penny, as she softly let out moans every time you got closer to her most sensitive spot.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No,"

When you are sure you found the right spot, you start to carefully caress it, rubbing firstly around it, teasing her. You feel her breath as she sighs, slightly moaning and you don't want to stop, you want to keep her going to ease her into bliss, (she deserves it so much).

When she catches on, she roughly bites your neck,

"Do you want me to stop?"

"I swear if you—"

You catch on rather quickly to what she wants. With your thumb, you press it, also carefully rubbing it in circular motions and then proceeds to insert one finger. That gets you one of the proper moans, with Penny incapable of holding in.

How easily it goes in and how wet it gets your mind whirling.

Her moans keep ringing through your mind, never quite leaving you.

You start rubbing it faster and then wiggling your finger in and out as swiftly as you can. You imagine you must be doing something right as she starts shivering, almost like she was losing her strength, ready to give herself to you. With your free hand, you make sure she stays on her feet, and her prompt response is to clutch your neck. Her nails apply firm pressure on your neck, but you don't mind, not really.

"Are you close?" It's so low, but she hears it, and more breathless than you thought she could be the answers,

"I don't want for this to be over,"

You come back to that day.

You go back to teasing, but you don't think you will be able to keep this up.

She becomes more restless, and you are learning, learning the most intrinsic way to please her. You want her to experience ecstasy, be it by your hand or anything else. You don't ponder on what this implies. You don't think about how dangerous it is to have fallen this deep.

She goes back, she pleads, pleads for an end, and you might lose some of yourself too.

You go back full force, and she is gasping, whispering in your ear your name, this is too much for you.

You don't hear her coming as much as you feel. Her body goes rigid and immediately relaxes, you catch her, thinking her knees might fail. She envelopes into a hug as you hold her. In the midst of all of this, you can still feel your core with want, but you guess your time is almost up.

This being over might be the last chance to feel her. To have her for yourself, her undivided attention. You hug tighter hanging by the thread she has over your heart. You almost laugh at how pathetic you are, only a fool would have lost themselves so, but when it comes to her, you can't imagine it any other way.

You don't need to worry about your love showing in the dark.

When she regains her bearings, you can hear the shortage of breath on her voice,

"That, that was,"

You can't help to blush, and it is forgiven in the dark. You supply for an answer you hope is true,

"Good?"

She starts caressing your hair, and the let such an endearing laugh,

"Yeah,"

She steady herself drawn to you, and whispers again more quietly,

"Yeah,"

She starts stroking your collar when what seems like a bliss she whispers,

"How much of this did you want to happen?"

You sigh to yourself burying deep, and as the words come out of your mouth flaming and blazing from your heart to the air, you don't catch yourself. You let it go to the unbending  
sentiments that you have crowed for her for so long,

"I understand, I am sorry. You feel uneasy because I always deny, always come up with a reason not to and yeah, yeah I know is infuriating! I want you so much. I want you every day ever since I woke up and seemed to be in a trance and then you smiled and then I couldn't breathe. You became my priority, and that scares me, scares me so much because I have been thinking less and less of my brother and how much I want to skip all of this and invite you to groom on an old, someplace, in the depths of the world and to watch you grow old. To know, to know you feel at least an ounce of all that I feel for you was enough for me, but I saw how much what I did upset you, you almost lost your sister because of me, my parents are horrible, your mother made a compelling argument and I am always caught at a crossroads of loving you and wanting to be with you."

So low, you regurgitate something that has always joggled up on your throat,

"You deserve better, better than me,"

She grasps your face firmly, and you are backing at kissing her, and you have to be careful, kissing her is a drug. The two of you catch on rhythm and always crashing one with another but completing. Her tongue is so soft, her afterglow, her voracity chips away from the little control you have.

"It's not about deserving. It's about making you happy and, I want it too for you,"

"You don't have to," You break to tell her, you don't, you are happy to let her come by your hand as much time as she needs.

"I, please, let me" She bites your ear, whispering words that set them on fire, "I want to grow old with you as well,"

Penny doesn't get to finish her sentence as you can hear Charlie or whoever it was coming to get you back opening the door. You focus your hands on closing Penny's trousers and wipe out the wetness of your fingers on your robes. When you turn around you are met with a smiling Charlie ignorant of what transpired on the closet.

"Ay, time's up! You guys can come out!"

You almost laugh at the irony of that sentence. You offer your shoulder for Penny to steady herself and you two walk out of the stuffy closet. From the dark to the dim light. The party is still raging, the music is still ringing in your ears, (but so are penny's moans, penny's smell,) and you wonder what you are going to do now.

You entered in the closet as yourself, but now it almost like you have found peace and came out with a piece of her soul on yours. You are eager, you have had the taste of what you have languished for so long, all you can help to think is how you aren't the same.

Those lights words spoken in the dark made you feel now, weightless.

Her touch changed you, you can feel happy just by being beside her, she had already had this effect, but now it seems to have only worsened it.

(or made it better?)

You look at Penny, who has a pretty peaceful complexion. Pride swells on your chest, thinking you made Penny feel this way. She doesn't let go, and the both of you stroll your way back to the party, and then Charlie comes into view yet again.

"Fischer set the hat on fire, so we can't continue it seems,"

Penny still was on you, clinging and you held her with a start of a smile creeping up on your face.

"I see," Is all you had to say.

He looked back and forth between the two of you and then decided that whatever he was going to say could be saved to another day. He gives a smile and says,

"Anyways, catch you guys later,"

You gulp, with the crowd surrounding you and Penny at your arms, you make small conversation,

"Say, want to skip out and go back to Hogwarts?"

She nodded, regaining some of her usual composure as the alcohol must be leaving her mind.

Currently (not really), you were as always following Penny to where she wanted. You never noticed how many stairs there were in the astronomy tower. She is giggling, and you never felt happier.

She abruptly stops, and you hover over her as she is deciding what to do, when she sits by the single window you do it as well, just barely under her. Her hands are on the window, carefully tracing the starts and muttering an old song you have never heard.

She stops and glances at you,

"Did you truly drop everything because my mother told you so?" It almost feels dreamlike, for the words were spoken on the dark closet to bleed through the castle.

"It's, it's more than that. It kind of always has been." You decide to look away from the window.

"I would love to hear about it," Penny starts playing with your shoes.

You don't know what it makes you say the next words.

"Did you know that I almost abandoned you?"

"I love you," Penny said. As she says this, nothing new is added. You have ignored her feelings for too long. "You have loved me for so long and said in so many ways,"

"Didn't you listen? I almost—"

"But you didn't," Penny's words cut through her drunkenness, "Don't hold yourself accountable for something you didn't do,"

She continues, now grasping your hand.

"We know something happened at Beatrice's rescue, and you changed, somehow. It's weird to explain," She taps your hand.

"I believe, and truly believe, we each are never the same person twice," She stops. "And to, truly, fall in love with you at each reiteration of mine, it's true,"

You turn away, not wanting to see her mutter the next words.

"I wondered for so much time if you felt the same,"

You close your eyes.

"I want to grow old with you," a beat, "I do,"

You imagine she saying those words, what expression is she making right now?

"I'm glad I get to say back that back to you,"

You open your eyes again, and now with light shoulders.

"Oh, I am sorry for your loss," You mutter, "I will pray you to find you, faculties, again,"

She grasps your face, and you don't want to part for a while.

"What you want, is what I want as well," she says.

"I am tired," You rest your face on her neck,

She chuckles, "You? Tired? That's new,". Her hands now are on top of your head, touching your hair and rousing a calm state of mind you never thought you had.

"Well, my soul is tired," You let the bliss wash over you, making her voice be the guide.

"I'm sorry," her touch stiffens for a sec, but you feel the hesitation.

"For what?" You don't open your eyes, not yet.

"For putting my priorities above yours, for, for causing all of this." She sighs, now both hands on your hair, "I always pushed you, wanted you to bite and you kept going. I knew you felt some conflict, but I haven't realized how selfish I was, how much of a toll it took out of you,"

The dim moonlight night kisses Penny's face, and you lean in, doing what was so natural that even light itself had the chance. When you pull out you are only inches apart and you mutter, "Don't apologize for my mistakes I should have spoken out sooner, it was only a matter of time and god knows we tried friends," you hug her cheek with your fingertips and place a kiss there as well, "I am tired of running, I want to allow myself to like you," a kiss on her forehead, "I want for we to try this together, I think if we stick to the two of us ought to work out huh?"

"Thank you,"

You buried yourself in her,

"Thank you,"

"So," Penny starts, "Does this mean we are going to tell the others?"

You sighed and thought, it was too dangerous but if she wants—

"Not yet, got it," She kissed your lips, "You are awfully cute when your fore eyebrows are in a frown,"

You grumble, looking at the what you can only hope is unconditional affection for her.

* * *

The walk to the common rooms is a silent one. Your head is throbbing from all the noise, and you imagine so is hers; the sound is still ringing in your ears (her moans as wells).

The castle is silent at the dead of the night, Ms. Norris usually didn't like the dungeons at all. When you arrive near your common rooms, your head feels more grounded. You can taste the drinks washing away as it comes down what you have just done.

Both of you stop. You turn around and don't know what to say.

"Night, sweet dreams," You settle with simple, she leans and kisses you, doing what was on your mind. When both of you let go, is with an understanding across the both of you.

(your heart, you know)

"You too," Penny isn't looking at you in the eye. It is then that you notice of her blush, of her hesitance and you think your heart might just explode.

How could you have missed this?

You let her go, her figure getting undone in the dark just as the both of you did just moments before.

You feel tired. You feel happy.

As you enter the common room, you are met with a rather angry prefect.

Rowan stares you down.

"You know what time it is? You promised we would study together!" Her words are sharp, even though the delivery is affected by the pajamas she is wearing.

"What are you on about?" You don't want to argue, not really. But you honestly, you don't remember ever making plans with Rowan tonight. Doesn't she smell the alcohol in your breath? Also, you even recall telling her about the party tonight.

"When we were talking with Merula, and she asked what you were doing tonight! You said we were going to study!"

You look deeply in her eyes until the dawn of realization comes upon her face.

"Oh," Is all she has to offer. You would chuckle if you weren't so tired. You go ahead and drag yourself to your bed. Tomorrow was another day and the anxiety of the birth of your new life, leaving the old one in flames after the leap, made you wonder at all if resting was possible.

"But do tell me," Rowan starts, catching your attention again,

"Did, you know, with anyone?"

This question catches you off guard. Was she asking if you had sex? She couldn't know, right? You don't smell anything but Penny, and oh no, oh n—

"I mean, people kiss at parties right?"

You release a breath you didn't know you were holding. A kiss. She is talking about a kiss. You feel more confident to answer them.

"Yeah, there was a game, and the note told what we ought to do with a person and kissing was one of the things, I think it was a spell aspired by a tournament Hogwarts holds?" You supply with an answer you hope is enough,

"Who did you kiss? Did you kiss Charlie?" She is relentless, as she always was. You just wished she could drop when it came to matters like this.

You tip-toe around this. You know Charlie fancies you. But you also know ever since Bill turned Rowan down at the beginning of last year, she has had shifted her attention to the other Weasley. You don't want to hurt her, not really, but can't help to think of how unwise it was to lie to her. Your friendship with Rowan has been threading dangerous ground ever since the last year.

"Ah, yeah. We did." And then, as an idea came up, you mutter without trying to sound show important, it was to you, trying to make it seem as your heart didn't beat faster at the mere thought of it, "I also kissed Penny. It's just a party, you know."

That seemed to reassure Rowan. This whole triangle mess will be dealt another day. Tonight, tonight you dream, of sun-shines, of the beaches, of breathless, of little deaths.

* * *

In the morning, everything hurts — not everything. But you are thankful for the Slytherin common room to be so dimly lit. You couldn't imagine being met with the sun so early in the morning. As you prepare yourself for another way, tying your tie, getting you robes, someone knocks on your door.

"Come in," You roar and regret instantly. This hangover is worse, and you ponder on the idea to not ever drink again.

When Rowan opens the door, she looks at you and quickly assesses.

"You look. Less than ideal. Maybe you should take a shower before the periods."

You haven't seen yourself in the mirror, but Rowan was rarely wrong in anything at all.

"And miss breakfast?" You whisper disheartened, but in the same way, you could avoid seeing Penny, just enough to prepare your heart. To choose how you were going to react around her.

"It is a small price to pay, trust me."

Well, Rowan is rarely wrong.

You head towards the shower room, and if you were quick, you could make to herbology in time. After taking a shower, you run towards your class, praying that none of the teachers catches you on the act. Professor Sprout has already been lenient with you arriving late this year more than once due to your most recent investigations to uncover why your bother did the things you saw in your fifth year.

You manage to make a leap of faith and get inside before the class began. However, Penny draws your undivided attention out of the room. She looks impeccable, almost like she wasn't drinking at all last night.

You exchange glances. You smile at her.

You sit right beside her. Will she want to be partners as you usually are?

"Mornin'," You mutter to her, hiding how strongly your heart is singing in your chest.

"Hey, how are you? Didn't catch you at breakfast," Penny smiles her usual smile. You don't know how you are supposed to act.

"Ah, well, woke up late and had to take a shower. You know me," You place your hands at the balcony, trying to steady them yourself. Get a hold of yourself.

Penny seems then, to analyze you. As she is doing, she comes closer to you, with her hands steadying your tie which you only now notices was pretty out of place. You can feel the soft grasp of her fingers near your neck, carefully tying it. She has a smile you can't quite place.

You gulp down and feel your face come crashing down with a fever.

In the same vein, she now takes her time adjusting your hair. She delightfully works on your hair, and you feel quite pleasant. You  
can't help but stare dumbly at her.

When she is done, you mutter a simple thanks.

"I won you know, and you didn't convince me,"

The feeling to wipe off the stupid smirk on her face compels you to do something that, in any other circumstances, you would conceive to be a complete disregard for public safety.

"Oh, so it was a competition?"

"Yeah, how did you thi—" And as she tried a rebuttal with you, surveying the room to see if anyone was paying attention to you and happily coming to the conclusion nobody was, you steal a quick kiss and watches as she comes undone, her cheeks red and stuttering altogether.

"So, so much for being discreet,"

You turn towards Professor Sprout, "Nobody saw,"

Before she can answer anything, Sprout begins her class. You try to pay attention, but your gaze seems to always go back to her, almost like the path of the rivers flowing unchanging to their destinations.

She catches your gaze sometimes, smiling, and then being her usual self. The atmosphere is better, better, and you are breathless. Maybe this wasn't something you could grow out of. You wonder how would you be able to cut the root as it has manifested so deep into you.

"Hey, could you help me with this?"

Eagerly, you come close to her attending her demands. She is trying to trim down ivy, and you help her, placing your hand with hers. A blush emerges in your face, not ready for the sudden physical contact.

"There," Muttering, you easily detach yourself not to tell to much, to not leave your intentions out in the open.

To show her appreciation, Penny quickly places a quick kiss in your cheek. You freeze so fast, only welcomed again to the reality when a colleague calls for your attention. She swiftly whispers, "Payback is a bitch,"

You think you are going to be okay.

You and Penny manage yet again to be one of the few people that finish all the reports so quickly. The way you see it, the credit is all hers, you were never the one to take care of the wildlife near you manor as a child. Not that you would ever admit that to Professor Sprout.

With time on your hands, you don't want to admit to yourself you just want to push her towards a dark corner and kiss her silly, with a stupid smile on your face. When she catches it, she laughs at you, ever the source of so many of her laughs.

You forgive her, of course, your friendship is the river in which nothing is ever carved, being sustained by the mutual love both of you harbor for each other. But you still think she deserves better, that is what you haven telling yourself all these years. Old habits are hard to break.

She is leaning on the desk, attentively eyeing you and with a look that forebode questions.

She is the one that breaks the silence, as often she is.

"Let me be your lover,"

From all the things you expected her to do, a playful banter, a joke at your expanse, anything but something so candid, so simple and so full of what you could ever consider as Penny.

"Yes," It comes out as an exasperated sigh, you suppose she wanted to formalize, to materialize. Saying things out loud always made it feel more real, more palpable. She comes at you and hugs you firmly, and you hold her, taking it in and hoping people on the class won't start to question on the whys.

There is a smirk on her face and,

"It has already been established that every time we are alone, we just end up giving each other funny feelings, so why not?"

She grabs your tie again, putting it on the place is supposed to be, but at the same time the touch lingers near your heart, her mastery over your heart was truly admirable.

She comes close and whispers to your ear, and you hope to god that this doesn't look what it is.

"I want to make you feel good too,"

She leans back as if nothing happened, but she doesn't want an answer out of you, riling you up and you feel a little older, a little more knowledgeable and a little more hopeful. You want to allow yourself something you have denied yourself for so long.

"We will have to hide it, one thing is parties, other things are fully fledged relationships and" You stop and gaze at her eyes, "I feel like we have been lovers for longer,"

Penny gives you a brilliant smile,

"Yeah? But now I get to have my way with you whenever," She says with a levity that makes you question why did it take so long.

Just when you are about to try a smart-ass comeback, Tonks approaches,

"Hey, you two, can you help me over with this?"

Penny goes, you stay briefly. When she calls out for you, you turn around.

* * *

iv.  
extra

When Penny entered her shared room, the coin dropped. She just came for her best friend's, girlfriend's dexterous hand. She drank too much fire-whiskey to be able to have the courage to ask for a hand-job, and she couldn't believe she actually got one. Chances were her friend could have just stormed out, but no, they just fixed all this waiting and brooding, and they were together now?

After all the other's instance on not hooking up, Penny might have just crossed the line,

Penny was too tired to ponder, and her body was too euphoric to do anything. As she passed the common area going towards the dorms, her sister surprised her,

"Pens! You came back. I was worried!"

Penny isn't sure how to deal with Beatrice without sounding aloof and was still experiencing post-orgasm or simply drunk out of her mind. The lucky thing was that Tonks appeared in the nick of time to save her day,

"C ' mon Beatrice it's late, and Penny was busy studying and lost the time, right?" She winked at you and oh no,

"Yeah," Penny hopes that sounds convincing enough.

The older Hufflepuff watches her friend led her sister out of the room, just to come back seconds later with one hell of a smirk.

"You reek of sex, wotcher Pens, never thought the time to you get laid on one of those parties of yours would finally arrive,"

As the two of you walks towards your room, you make sure to emphasize,

"I didn't get laid, and it was more of a," And she now realizes how stupid that sounds, "More like a hand-job than anything?" As the words left her mouth, she couldn't help to fully blush to remember your 'friend's small gaps and the ghost of her touch near Penny's blossom. The pure ecstasy of the thought of having skin on skin again was enough to turn her on just li—

"Last time I checked that still counted," Tonks relentless as always didn't drop the subject, "You were at the receiving end then, huh? That's awfully nice."

"Shut up" Penny wondered if she should take a shower now or wait for the morning, she could feel the wetness still on her lower parts.

"Who was it?"

That is a question that made Penny stop on her tracks. Should she tell Tonks? No, she recalled the face of your new girlfriend (oh god) made when she brought up telling their friends, and she might be right on this one.

"Secret"

"I bet it was Barnaby!"

Penny doesn't understand how Tonks could ever arrive at that conclusion but doesn't bother saying anything else as she collapses on her bed.

"Oh, c ' mon throw me a bone here Pens! I want to know," Tonks now is eagerly awaiting a response as she paces trying to find her pajamas. However she stops in her tracks, "We all know the more likely to have sex in those parties are Slytherins, they are so fucking dramatic,"

She snaps Penny attention yet again,

"Also, did our famous curse-breaker finally hook up with Charlie? You know, he had me and Karusu to enchant the damn hat just for it,"

Penny freezes, and for the first time in the night, she wishes she was drunker. The image of her making out with Charlie is still vivid on her mind, and it angers her. But she knows, knows that it isn't in her right not in that time, to want her alone. Not, after all, they have been through. You seriously question how that wasn't a fuck up, how your friendship with her isn't over but surprisingly evolved into a relationship.

"I just want to sleep," Next to her, a thought escapes her, and she sighs on her pillow. She wonders what the other is doing right now. Was she turned on? Penny' mind slips again, and she is fully flushed at the thought of she masturbating right now, slowly shifting in and giving herself relief. Was she thinking of Penny? Oh, how she wished she had more time to have her way with her.

"Ah, I will find out sooner or later, Pens!"

Penny, honestly, didn't want to find out herself.

"I think I'm gonna shower."

"Good call."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for giving the time of the day champ, congrats on making this far.
> 
> there are many places that i feel that are underdeveloped but i have stared at this thing for so long that i don't give a fuck anymore so yeah
> 
> thanks


End file.
